How to Know You’re with a True Dom

Whether you are new to the BDSM scene or have a great deal of experience, truly dominant men (or women) can be incredibly hard to distinguish from domineering, sadistic or Dom-wannabee types. Your safety is paramount in any situation, whether it be a role-playing scene, a dating scenario or a full-fledged encounter of sado-masochism and/or sex.

There are several tell-tale characteristics you should look for when seeking out, or engaging in play with, any “dominant.” But remember that these characteristics work together, as a group, and don’t simply look for one or two and think you are safe. The stakes are very high; don’t be lulled into acceptance or going along with something that makes you nervous or uncomfortable.

Also, remember that dominance and bullying are two totally different things, as are dominance and sadism. In addition to those distinctions, we must also differentiate between dominant/submissive role-play and real life dominant aggressive behavior which can lead to actual abuse. This is completely contrary to the safe, sane and consensual code we should insist upon in our sexual encounters.

A true dominant exhibits the following characteristics: acceptance, communication, compassion, confidence, courtesy, grace, dominance, honesty, humility, integrity, intelligence, loyalty, patience, pride, respect, responsibility, self-control, self-respect, and trust. Ideally, these characteristics merge together and cannot be separated from one another in a truly dominant individual.

For example, a true dominant communicates openly and honestly with their partner while always staying open and receptive to their partner’s feelings and. They do not ask or demand anything from their partner that they aren’t capable of or isn’t good for their growth in some way.

Accountability is very important in a real dom/sub relationship. A dominant’s primary responsibility is their submissive or slave, and it is their “job” to set clear limits, expectations and goals that are reasonable and attainable. The sub or slave must know that they can count on their dominant to say what they mean, do what they promise, and always back up their words with actions.

A dominant should always be mindful of the incredible gift that his submissive or slave has given to him. He/she must control, respect and honor himself/herself fully before he is capable of sharing those qualities with another individual. He/she must also keep their submissive’s deepest needs, desires, fears, weaknesses and strengths paramount in their mind and in all interactions with their sub.

Of all these qualities, it is their mastery of self-control and level of loyalty and trust that clearly set the dominant apart from sadists and sexual predators. A dominant realizes they are in a position of tremendous power, given freely and willingly, not to be tested or betrayed, and not for their own personal gain or pleasure.

True dominants take care of themselves first and they do it almost automatically due to the confidence and dominance they have over their own lives. They focus the majority of their energy outward onto their partner, and are constantly aware of their partner’s wants and needs, often instinctively knowing their partner’s most intimate thoughts. They are in tune with those around them and constantly strive to help their partner through nurturing, teaching, listening and connecting.

Leave a Reply